When They Push Back: How to Hold Your Boundaries

"You say no a lot," said a woman I'd just met.
​

"Well, I am The Boundaries Coach," I replied, pointing to the giant sign with my face that literally says "Hi! I'm Kerstin, The Boundaries Coach."

She looked genuinely confused. "Are you joking?"

Nope. Just being myself—which apparently meant saying no to her. A lot.

Here’s the tea: 

I was at the Berkeley Chamber Holiday Gift Fair with my journals and planners spread across my booth.

Across from me, FlyLadyTee Boutique had the most stunning handwoven cloaks, both the woman and me were eying two of the pieces:

- The woman kept gravitating toward a blue cloak with yellow and red threads

- I had my eye on the turquoise and gold one at the end
​

She tried hers on. The colors were perfect—matching her blonde hair and red felt hat. You could see her fall in love with it in real-time.

But then: "The armholes are too tight." she commented.

I suggested her loose sweater might be the issue. She countered that she'd need something thick underneath since it wasn't lined.

She hung it back up. Left. Came back. Tried it on again. Left again. 

Meanwhile, she kept offering to bring ME the turquoise cloak.
​

"Want me to grab it for you?"

"No, I'm good."

"Should I bring it over so you can try it?"

"No, thanks."

"Are you sure? I can—"

"No really, I'm good."

That's when she said it: "You say no a lot."

Here's the thing: I didn't want her deflected energy influencing my experience. 

I could SEE what was happening—she was falling in love with something and then talking herself out of it.

Finding flaws that maybe weren't really flaws. 

And now she wanted to live vicariously through watching ME try on the thing I wanted.

Nope. I wanted my OWN experience with that cloak, not one filtered through someone else's self-denial.

After she finally left (without her cloak), I tried on the turquoise one.

You know what? I didn't love it. The fit was off, the colors weren't quite right on me. Easy decision: not buying it.

But here's what would have happened if I'd let her bring it to me earlier:

I would have tried it on in front of her. 

She would have gushed about how amazing it looked (projecting HER desire onto me). 

I might have second-guessed my gut feeling. Maybe even talked myself INTO buying something I didn't actually want—just to give her the vicarious thrill of someone saying yes to themselves.

That's the sneaky cost of not having boundaries: you end up making decisions based on other people's emotional needs instead of your own.

I watched this woman deflect her desire for that cloak onto everyone who came near that booth. Another woman tried on a black one, and she practically begged her to buy it. "You should REALLY get it!"

Because if she couldn't have the thing SHE wanted, at least she could make sure everyone else got their thing. Right?

Sound familiar?

How many times have you done this version:

- Spent $200 on gifts for others without blinking

- But $200 on something YOU love? Suddenly you need to find three flaws and girl-math your way into permission

- Put yourself last because making someone else happy feels safer than risking being "selfish"

It's easy to say no to yourself. It feels comfortable & normal because you do it all the time.

But saying yes to yourself feels scary and dangerous because you don't do it enough.

And when we can't say yes to ourselves? We start living through other people's yeses instead.

Here's what I want you to know:

You're allowed to want things for yourself.

You're allowed to say yes to yourself.

You're allowed to say no—even when (especially when) it upsets other people.

My "no" upset that stranger. 

She wanted me to participate in her deflection dance, and I refused. That made her uncomfortable enough to comment on it.

Good.

Your boundaries will upset people sometimes. Especially people who are used to you prioritizing their comfort over your own needs.

That doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. It means they're working.

The woman never bought that cloak and I wonder if she's still finding reasons why she can't have the things she wants.

Don't be her.

Instead, this week, notice:

- When do you talk yourself out of things you want?

- When do you put everyone else's needs before yours?

- When do you let someone else's energy influence YOUR decisions?

- What "flaws" are you inventing to avoid saying yes to yourself?

Your no might upset people. 

Your yes to yourself might make others uncomfortable.

That's okay. Actually, that's the point.

What's one thing you've been talking yourself out of that you actually want?

Leave a comment and tell me. 

Sometimes we just need someone to say: "Get the cloak" or "Don't get the cloak”—but make sure it's YOUR decision, not someone else's.

P.S. Want stories like this delivered straight to your inbox? Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter below.

---