Why Is It So Dang Hard to Set Boundaries?
“Everyone is trying to change something, we're just all too afraid to admit it.” - Mel Robbins
Picture this…
Your boss emails at 8:29am canceling your 8:30am meeting. You can’t believe your luck! Now, you can fit in a shower before your partner gets back from his run and uses all the hot water. Woo hoo!
You hum to yourself as you skip up the stairs and think, “this is going to be a good day!”
Except there’s one thing you forgot about…
As you’re mid-lather with your delicious lavender shampoo, you hear the bathroom door creak open and your kid (who's home sick for the third time this month!) pokes their head in the bathroom and goes “Moooommmmm, where's my string cheese?”
Your peaceful me-time is over. 10 expletives flash through your mind and you briefly imagine chucking the shampoo bottle at the wall.
Instead, you lean your head through the curtain and say, “it's in the bottom drawer of the fridge.”
Your kid looks at you and pleads “can you get it for me? I can't find it.”
In your mind you’re screaming "IT’S IN THE SAME PLACE IT ALWAYS IS!”
To your kid, you smile in a constipated sort of way and say, “sure sweetie, give me 5 minutes to finish my shower.”
You love your kid, you really do, you just wish they could be a tad more (Ok, a lot more) independent and leave you the f-alone when you find a few unexpected minutes to yourself.
The rest of your shower is a blur of fuming for not thinking to ask your kid if they needed a snack BEFORE you jumped in the shower. That would have been so much better.
But, what if there’s another way? What if you could get your kid to respect your me-time and stop barging into the bathroom everytime you closed the door?
That might feel impossible because that would mean setting a boundary and setting boundaries feels hard.
Why does it feel so dang hard to set boundaries? (Spoiler, it’s not your fault!)
Conditioning - you saw your mom/grandma/aunty doing all of the cooking, cleaning, and household stuff. She never modeled asking for help and forbid you from helping because she didn’t want you to do it wrong.
Society - the 1950s housewife mentality is a part of white supremacy and it’s deeply ingrained in our culture like a bit of popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth that just won’t budge. There are certain tasks that you feel are your duty as a wife and mom, and that’s because society taught you that those are the things you’re supposed to do. (You know, that whole list of get a job, get married, have kids, support your family)
Limiting beliefs - Conditioning and societal norms keep you in check by giving you limiting beliefs. These are the thoughts inside your head that tell you it’s your duty to do the laundry, cooking, and grocery shopping. It also includes beliefs that your words and needs are not as important as everyone else, and that stops you from speaking up and asking for what you want. (which is not your fault, you learned these beliefs at a young age)
There’s a lot working against you in setting boundaries AND hope is not lost!
Before we can set boundaries, we first have to undo the conditioning, societal teachings, and limiting beliefs. That might sound monumental and impossible, but trust me, it’s not.
Let’s start with something super simple that you can do right now in a few short minutes.
Write down 3 things you wish you could do for yourself (buy a new pair of pants, read a book for an hour guilt free, get a massage, etc.) Don’t worry about time or cost, just pick the first three things that pop in your head and write them down.
Close your eyes and imagine doing one of those things, take 20 seconds to imagine it and get all your senses involved. What color are those new pants? What does the book smell like? What melts first your shoulder or neck tension when you get that massage?
Open your eyes and Celebrate! Give yourself a high five in the mirror, do a victory lap around your living room, or shout yes! for imagining doing something for yourself. You might feel a bit silly and that’s ok, take a moment to celebrate imagining doing something for YOU.
Mini celebration reward your brain with good endorphins which reinforce that what you want is a good thing AND that it's possible to get it. (Think of it like reprogramming your brain).
It might sound hokey, and you gotta trust me here, this works.
That mini celebration is the start of rewiring your brain and unraveling your limiting beliefs.
For maximum rewiring potential: repeat this exercise each night before you go to bed.
The more often you imagine doing something positive for yourself followed by a mini celebration the easier it is to believe that you matter too, that there are pockets of time for you, and that you deserve to feel taken care of.
P.S. If you’re wanting to kick your limiting beliefs to the curb and set boundaries that stick, mark your calendar: Boundaries & Balance: Setting Non-Negotiables opens on November 13th.
Kerstin Phillips is a Life Coach, Yoga Instructor, and Journaling Coach who helps women with ADHD set boundaries, carve out me-time, and conquer all the things that make it difficult to adult.
I want something different for next year. I’m not one for setting resolutions, I gave up on them years ago, I don’t really see the point of trying to make a change that won’t stick.