How to Unfreeze from Fight Flight Freeze

I was super stubborn as a kid, I got furious at my friends if they didn’t put my markers back in rainbow order. They didn’t get it, they didn’t understand how important it felt to have them in order and I didn’t have the words or understanding to explain why it was so important. 

It felt like no one understood me. 

Flash forward to me as an adult, living in New York City with my boyfriend (now husband), we’re headed to a music festival on the local bus. 

The bus is fairly crowded and I positioned myself between the back door and the cart of an older woman that’s just behind me. 

There’s barely any space for folks to get by, but I haven’t noticed this yet. 

The older woman says loud enough for the entire bus to hear that I’m blocking the way. 

What do I do? I freeze. 

By calling me out to the whole bus she embarrassed me and my freeze response kicked in. 

I literally could not move. 

If she’d instead said, “hey, you might want to scoot over, you’re blocking the door” instead of announcing to everyone, I likely would have moved. But all I could do in that moment was hold on for dear life to the pole in front of me as folks shoved by to exit the bus. 

So why did I become so stuck with both my markers as a kid and on the bus as an adult? It felt like I’d lost control. I felt threatened. 

My brain perceived each of those situations as a threat. 

If you look at each situation logically I wasn't in any real danger, but my brain didn't know that. 

Our brains, the ancient part, the reptilian part, respond before our cognitive (logical) brain gets a chance to analyze what's happening. 

That means that situations like mine can happen where your reptilian brain thinks you're in danger and it responds with fight, flight, or freeze. 

That’s a totally normal thing and yet in our modern society, it can leave you feeling embarrassed, frozen, or like people just don't get you. That sucks big time. 

So what do we do to help our brain feel safe and recognize that we're not in any real danger? 

The first thing is to notice. 

When you notice that your fight, flight, or freeze response kicked in, pause and breathe. Maybe even close your eyes to block out whatever's going on (if that feels safe).

Take 3 breaths where your exhale is longer than your inhale. 

(Count in for 4 seconds and out for 5 or 6 seconds). 

That will activate your parasympathetic nervous system and make it easier to turn on the logical part of your brain so you can figure out if you're in danger or not. 

Ask yourself, “am I in danger?” 

If the answer is yes, get the hell out of there! 

If the answer is no, ask yourself, “what do I feel?”

Most likely you feel embarrassed, scared, or threatened. Once you recognize the feeling then your cognitive brain can kick in and offer you a meaningful response. 

If I had communicated to my friends, “it's important for my markers to be in rainbow order so I always know where they are. I don't want them to get lost.” My friends might have understood that and they might have respected my preference. When I insisted that “no! they have to be in rainbow order.” It didn't make sense to them. And when things don't make sense, your brain automatically says “no.” 

What about on the bus? If I paused to take a deep breath (or three) I might have noticed that the older woman feared her cart being blamed for blocking the aisle and that in New York City it’s culturally appropriate to speak your mind clearly to the whole world. Also recognizing that me, as a suburbanite transplant, was not used to that type of behavior. Then my cognitive brain could have been like “well that was rude but we're being more rude by blocking the door so let's move our butt so people can get by me and all will be well.” That would have been so much better!

When you feel flight, flight, or freeze kick in, take 3 deep breaths, ask yourself if your in danger and when the answer is no, ask what you’re feeling. 

Give yourself permission to pause and feel into your feelings. 

Use your deep breaths to let go of any unwanted feeling that's coming your way. Give your logical brain a moment to see the situation from a new perspective so you can make a choice that feels good to you and the people around you. 

I didn't have the tools back then nor the understanding to know what was happening in my brain. 

Now that I do, I can make choices that feel good to me in the moment. 

Think back to a moment when you experienced fight, flight, or freeze, what does your logical brain tell you about the situation now? 

It's totally normal to feel flight, fight, or freeze in situations where you're not in danger. That's just the reptilian part of your brain perceiving a threat, when in reality you're feeling shame, embarrassment, or misunderstood. Give yourself permission to breathe and ask yourself if you're in danger. If you are, get the hell out of there! If you're not ask yourself what you're feeling so your logical brain can take over and you can feel better.

Journaling is another great way to pause, notice, and observe your thoughts. Not sure how to start journaling? Get my free Thoughtful Journaling™ Guide packed with tips, tricks, and my simple 5 step method to get you started. Get the Guide HERE

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