How I Set a Boundary With My Husband
I’m an extroverted introvert.
I love me some people time (with the right people) and I need hermit time. Both boost my internal batteries in different (and important) ways.
I need silence for my own self care and that can feel challenging when you have a chatty husband that wants to share stuff with you ALL the dang time.
Don’t get me wrong, I love him dearly AND I need my hermit time.
He shares when he’s excited about something or wants to talk through something in his business. He used to come to me when he needed to vent about a challenging client. I had to put a hard stop on that one.
Venting is an important part of working through sh*t, but I couldn’t be his vessel for processing all of that when I’m an empath. I’d internalize all of the icky feelings and then I would feel like crap. I wouldn’t want to do anything else for the rest of the day and I’d be extra grumpy and short with everyone. No bueno!
I had to get brave and tell him how those experiences made me feel. I found a moment when I wasn’t currently triggered (that’s important) and our conversation went like this,
Me: “You know how you vent to me about your difficult clients?”
Husband: “Yeah I always feel so much better when I do.”
Me: “That makes sense, it feels good to vent, the challenge is that I feel like crap after each time you vent about them. It throws off my entire day. I can’t think straight, I become extra grumpy and I don’t want to be grumpy with you and the kid. I’m curious, is there anyone else you can vent to about them?”
Husband: (ponders for a moment) “I had no idea it was affecting you like that. I’m sorry sweetie. I just thought you were grumpy because you were tired/busy. Ummmm, yeah I do know someone else I can vent to, I’ll talk to them next time.”
Me: “Thank you sweetie! You know I’m here for you, I just can’t be your venting vessel.”
Husband: “This makes sense.” <hugs>
“Boundaries teach people how to treat you and they teach you how to respect yourself.”
- Cheryl Strayed
It can feel really scary to set a boundary for the first time. My heart was totally pounding during that conversation and yet I knew I needed to do it.
Nathan stayed true to his word, and he doesn’t vent on me like that anymore. If there is a difficult client that he wants to talk about with me, he asks first if he can. That makes the biggest difference.
I’m not always in the headspace to listen, even if it’s about something positive.
He checks in and asks, “are you open to hearing about something in my business right now?”
It makes the biggest difference. I feel like my energy is honored and he gets the support he needs.
When you connect how something makes you feel, it’s easier for the other person to respond without reacting negatively. Make it about your feelings, your needs, and offer a solution. It doesn’t have to be earth shattering.
What if you….
Vented to someone else
Watched your favorite extra loud TV show when I go to yoga
Watched YouTube with headphones while I’m reading my book
Offer a simple solution, it shows that you’re paying attention and you care about their needs too. Start small. Keep it simple. Breathe.
