How to Set a Boundary with Difficult People
A regular reader of my blog said to me, “I read your blog last week and I've got questions. That's like the best case scenario, right? So how do you set a boundary with difficult people?”
I’m so glad you asked!
Yes, my example from last week’s blog How I Set a Boundary with My Husband, was a best case scenario AND setting a boundary doesn’t have to be rocket science.
What do we do when we desperately want to set a boundary, but we don’t think the other person is going to be receptive?
First, you get them to agree with you.
Let’s say you regularly come home from work feeling hangry and I mean you’re so hungry you can’t think straight and I will either fall down from hunger or fight to the death for those leftover french fries in the fridge.
You with me?
AND that when you come home hangry your partner usually is so excited to see you because he’s got a question or something to tell you and pounces on you the second you get in the door.
Yet, you’re hangry and he’s blocking you from getting to the fridge, so that puts you into fight mode and next thing you know you’re screaming at him for seemingly no reason and then he’s yelling and upset and it’s a whole mess.
What you really want is for him to just ask if you’re hungry and if in the headspace to listen when you get home (even better would be for him to have food ready for ya, but one step at a time).
So how do we fix this?
Find a time when you normally sit together, maybe you watch TV, play a game, eat a meal, commute to work together, something where it’s totally normal for you to be in the same space together.
Open with a question, “Can we talk about a thing?” Put the question in simple words, that way you won’t trigger any alarm bells. And he’ll likely respond with his equivalent of “Sure, what’s up babe?”
Start by sharing an observation, “I've noticed on the days when I come home really hangry that I can't even function when I come in the door and those seem to be the days that I snap at you the most and I don't want to do that anymore.” Notice how there’s zero blame towards your partner, that keeps the conversation neutral.
Then ask if you can share an idea on how to solve it, “I’ve had an idea that I think will help and we’ll both feel so much better, can share my idea with you?” When you ask his permission, you’re bringing him into the conversation, so he feels ownership and participation, plus he’s likely going to say yes to this question, which primes him to be ready to say yes to your idea.
Then you present your idea (bonus points if you add in humor or make it into a fun game) “What if, when I come home, you ask me how hungry I am? And we can come up with a scale, so if I say grizzly bear, you know to leave me the f-alone, and if I say chipmunk then you know I’m safe to be around.”
Give him the space to answer. He’ll likely be on board and might have some fun suggestions for your animal hungry scale. This could even become your new love language.
Boundaries don’t need to be complicated.
For the humans in your life that love to push and pick at your boundaries, stand firm. Don’t launch into a story or an explanation, because they’re just looking for a way to break your resolve.
Instead, ask for what you want and need in clear and direct language.
If they come back with 20 questions, give them the same exact answer, become the most annoying broken record, so they know this is important to you.
This may feel scary if you’ve never done this before, so start small, pick one thing. Try on the formula above and let me know how it goes.
I’m sending you relentless encouragement.
Journaling Prompt: What’s one thing you want to change in your relationships?
I want something different for next year. I’m not one for setting resolutions, I gave up on them years ago, I don’t really see the point of trying to make a change that won’t stick.