What If It Was Easy to Ask for Help?
Humans are community focused beings, our ancient ancestors lived in small groups where we had to help each other in order to survive. That's wired into our DNA. We can't do anything completely by ourselves. We need support even if it's just a hug or words of encouragement. So why do we time and time again stop ourselves from asking for the help that we so desperately need?
Because society wired it into us that it's wrong to ask for help. That we shouldn't bother other people. That we need to be independent and strong and capable and that to ask for help shows weakness and even stupidity. That simply isn't true.
Think about the last five times that someone asked you for help with something. I'm willing to bet that at least four of those five times you were delighted to help that person. Because we are community-focused we feel good when we help other people. So why is it so hard for you to ask for help yourself?
For me, asking for help meant that I was bothering someone else and asking too much of them. I learned to just suffer and figure it out for myself. But that's an unhealthy way to live.
For example, I’ve got a bunch of books that I’m ready to part with, they’re stashed in bags and boxes all over my house. I want to take them to the used book store that takes all books regardless of condition and will pay us money for them. Sounds like a good thing to do, right?
I’m ready to let go of these books and I know exactly where I want to take them.
Every time I think about it, ten thousand thoughts pop in my head that make this task feel impossible.
What if I can’t find parking? What if I can only find parking far away? How will I carry all the heavy books there? It's too much for one person. How long will it take? What if there are a ton of people ahead of me, I need to block out several hours for this task.
Then I thought, what would make this task easier?
It would be wonderful if I had someone that could drop me off with all the books and I could walk home afterwards. That would take care of my concerns and make this task feel easy. Except now I have to ask for help.
I fear that asking for help will make me look stupid and not capable of doing seemingly simple tasks. So instead of asking for help I just let the books pile up and everytime I see them I feel guilt and shame for not taking care of this “simple” task.
I could ask my husband for help, he’d be excited to help because it would mean less clutter in the house. But coordinating our schedules could be tricky, we should go at the right time of day and we need enough time to get there, be there, and walk back. That’s a lot of time.
Even thinking about asking for help gives me the ten thousand questions that stop me from taking action.
So I found a work around. I asked my husband to take the books there without me. I realized that me trying to do this task was the biggest thing blocking me from getting it done and that I didn’t need to be the one to do the task. And you know what, my husband said yes and then took care of it the next day! I was so surprised that it could be taken care of so easily and that delegating it to him made my life and my mental headspace so much clearer.
Journaling Prompt: What’s something you’re avoiding because you need to ask for help?
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