How to Banish the Should-Storm
Your brain is full of shoulds.
I should go to bed earlier.
I should exercise more.
I should be sorting through my crap in the basement.
I should be saving money instead of spending it on silly things for myself.
I should finish my book.
Everytime a should pops up, stop and ask yourself why you think you should do that thing.
Shoulds come from external forces: society, the media, the people that raised you, your friends, your partner, and everyone that isn’t you.
When you say “I should” to yourself that’s a sign that you’re ignoring what you really want. You’re ignoring your needs. You’re pushing away your desires because you think you don’t deserve them.
When you should on yourself you’re not listening to your inner wisdom.
How do we stop the relentless should storm?
We ask, why?
Why should I go to bed earlier?
Because my partner can’t fall asleep without me beside him.
Why should I exercise more?
Because I’m putting the needs of others before my own and ignoring the fact that I feel better when I exercise.
Why should I be sorting through my crap in the basement?
Because I keep telling myself I can do it later and later never comes.
Why should I be saving money instead of spending it on fun things for myself?
Because society taught me that women are frivolous with money, so it’s better to always save instead of spend on something that might be seen as a waste of money to someone else.
Why should I finish my book?
Because everyone keeps asking me how it’s going and I’m afraid it will look like I’m just spinning my wheels unless I can publish it immediately.
What do these all have in common?
Guilt, fear, potential embarrassment. Those are the most common feelings associated with your shoulds.
You say should to yourself when you haven’t met someone else’s standard for you, except their standard is only in your head.
To banish the should-storm you’re gonna get uncomfortable, that’s part of the process, working through your discomfort.
Pick the top 3 shoulds that you say to yourself all the time (or the first three that pop in your head).
Write them down on a piece of paper.
For each one write the question, “Why should I [your should]”
Write the first thing that pops into your head, then keep writing until you get to the thing that makes sense (the external force/person/experience) that’s creating the should.
When you know your shoulds source and the reason behind it, it loses its power.
DO NOT DO THIS EXERCISE IN YOUR HEAD.
That’s where your should storm is in full control.
Take the power from your should storm and write your question and your responses on a piece of paper (that means no typing either). Use a pen or a pencil.
You’ll strip your should of its power the moment you recognize its source.
In time you’ll hear fewer shoulds and it will feel easier to work through them.
Journaling prompt: What are your top three shoulds?
I want something different for next year. I’m not one for setting resolutions, I gave up on them years ago, I don’t really see the point of trying to make a change that won’t stick.