Part 5: The Trick to Vulnerability
How to Make (and Maintain) Friendships as Adults, a Six-Part Series
Being vulnerable isn’t easy. It takes practice, discipline, and courage.
Being vulnerable can feel icky, like there’s a spotlight on you, and it can feel glorious when someone gets you for the first time in your life (and I mean gets you gets you).
How do we move through the ick, push ourselves to open up, and know who we can trust with our vulnerability?
By taking small simple steps (which you are already doing by reading this email, go you!!)
Build trust in yourself - ok that might sound like a big step on its own, so let’s break it down into bite sized pieces.
Build trust in yourself by listening to yourself. Notice when you feel tired and give yourself permission to rest, even if that’s just focusing on your breathing for 3 minutes. That counts.
Start small, take the simplest step, thirsty? Drink some water. Need to pee? Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom or walk away from your computer and go pee.
Take care of your needs. Hungry? Eat a snack. Even if it’s not the healthiest snack.
Thank yourself for listening to your hunger and acknowledge that in this moment it’s more important to eat something rather than to stay hungry because the snack you have isn’t “healthy enough.”
The more you listen and respond to your needs, the more trust you’ll develop in yourself and the easier it will be to be vulnerable.
2. Acknowledge where you want boundaries - what does that look like in bite sized pieces?
Notice where there’s a lack of a boundary, those are the spots where you feel frustrated, annoyed, and have thoughts like “they should know better” or “why am I doing this again?”
When you notice those places with a lack of or loose boundary, get curious. Ask yourself, what would feel better here?
Bonus points, get courageous and ask for the boundary you need.
3. Lean into your fear - fear is not your enemy
Fear is a good thing. It keeps you safe from running into traffic or jumping out of a plane without a parachute. It’s also good at showing you, your edges that are ready for growth.
Fear and excitement feel really really similar, they can cause your palms to sweat, kick your voice up an octave or two, and get you to do things you wouldn’t normally do.
Pick something that feels 10% scary, just enough outside of your comfort zone and do that thing.
Get takeout from that Thai restaurant you keep driving by and are curious about, but you love the food at your usual Thai place. Try the new place, test it out.
Say yes to the coworker that seems cool and asks you to lunch but you always feel too busy to join. Make the time, make the connection. (Do keep saying no to the coworker that you have zero desire to hang out with).
Put a time in your calendar to journal for 10 minutes and then stick to it.
Lean into those tiny fear points, the things that make you just a bit anxious or you talk yourself out of, that will build your ability to be vulnerable too.
Journaling exercise: What’s something that feels 10% scary and just outside of your comfort zone?
P.S. If you missed parts 1-4, catch up here.
