Part 4: Matching Red Skirts = Friendship
How to Make (and Maintain) Friendships as Adults, a Six-Part Series
The recess bell rang, six-year-old me ran to line up for class, and I found the girl in front of me wearing the same red skirt as me! Well, technically they were different brands, but they looked identical. That was the bonding moment for Susan and me, we’ve been best friends ever since.
Here’s the kicker though, when Susan moved the next town over (and a literal 10 minute drive from my parents house) we did not see each other for FIVE years!!! We kept in touch by writing letters, back in the day when you had lick your stamp to put it on the envelope.
Let’s pause for a moment right there. Today you text, message, or email the other humans in your life and that communication is instantaneous. With a handwritten letter, you take your time, you pour out your soul, you doodle in the margins, you likely cross something out. It’s a cathartic process to put your words onto the page and I did that at least once a month for five years with Susan.
I felt giddy and elated everytime I got a letter from her, they were a lifeline for me. Those letters brought a depth and trust to our friendship, the sense of knowing what the other person is thinking and the added benefit of processing our thoughts on the page.
Those letters kept me sane through the turmoil of middle school, the changes of high school, and me trying to find my friend group. I don’t want to imagine going through that time without Susan and her letters, I’ll only say I’m sure I would have experienced higher levels of anxiety and possibly much worse.
The cool thing with sending letters is that you have that trust in time, you know the other person will write you back, and it’s something to look forward to. It reinforced my belief that I had at least one friend that always had my back (and I still do).
As I write this I’m putting together how much of a positive impact those letters had on me. I’m having trouble finding the words, I’m stammering in typed form. I’m going to do my best to explain the volume of the epiphany and jaw dropping realizations I’m having:
Writing my letters to Susan had the same benefits that I talk about when I teach folks to journal: they way of processing your thoughts on the page, the cathartic release, the organization that happens on the page especially when your mind feels extra busy with thoughts.
The power of connection and how my letters with Susan made me feel connected and understood. My middle school years, with the highlight of 6th grade, were ROUGH for me in making friends. I felt disconnected, that I didn't’ know who I was, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t find anyone I wanted to be friends with, and then I was devastated when the one person I wanted to befriend moved across the county and I didn’t have her address, so was never going to see her again. (Except I did see her again because she moved back and is one of my best friends too, that’s a story for another day). Still all that drama, Susan was a lifeline keeping me afloat through all of it.
The power of trust. I trusted that Susan would reply to every single one of my letters and the fact that she did reply, helped to build that belief that I can trust other people to follow through and do what they say they are going to do.
I’m gonna let that settle here for a minute. I’m processing the sheer magnitude of those realizations and that I know I gave those same things back to Susan. The safe space to process her thoughts, the power of connection, and the power of trust.
Those are gifts that I want everyone to have with their friendships and I recognize that not everyone has experienced that yet.
Epiphany landing in real time, right now: that’s the real reason I created CommuniTea, my weekly journaling group. I wanted to create a space of trust, where we can journal together to process our thoughts, share together to build our connection and understanding of each other, and build the power of trust that we’ll show up and be there for each other.
Journaling Prompt: What are you seeking or craving?
P.S. If you missed parts 1-3, catch up here.
I want something different for next year. I’m not one for setting resolutions, I gave up on them years ago, I don’t really see the point of trying to make a change that won’t stick.