Part 3: How to build trust in yourself
How to Make (and Maintain) Friendships as Adults, a Six-Part Series
My lack of trust in myself put a strain on my relationship with my husband. I was terrified to say anything that might upset him, which feels irrational to spell out here. My husband is a kind and caring person, he’s not someone that yells or is quick to anger. He expresses his frustration at normal volumes. So my fear wasn’t justified and I asked myself, what am I afraid of?
It wasn’t so much that I was afraid, it's that I was frustrated with myself for not doing the things I said I was going to do, for leaving yet another project half way done on the dining room table. For not making a phone call that I said I would do.
When my husband said an off hand remark about the half-done project or the lack of phone call, I’d lose it. I wouldn’t be able to respond to him in a rational manner because I’d already been beating myself up on the inside for weeks.
I didn’t trust myself and that eroded my confidence and belief in myself. I didn’t think I was capable and I kept asking myself, “What is wrong with me?!”
The truth is nothing is wrong with me.
My limiting beliefs had taken over, which is a normal human thing that happens. AND there’s something I could do about it.
To build trust in yourself, you gotta counteract the negative voice in your head and reprogram it to believe in possibilities and that you’re capable of change.
These are my top three things that helped me switch the voice in my head and build trust in myself so I can reply to my husband in a kind and caring way in return (even when I still feel frustration at myself).
How to Build Trust in Yourself
Affirmations - the BEST tool to turn the negative thoughts stopping you into the fuel to take action, get shit done and believe that you are capable.
If you’re using the phrase “I am” in your affirmations, stop right now. The only way you’ll believe what you’re saying after “I am” is if it’s already true. So if you’re affirmation is “I am a level headed human” and your inner voice instantly says, “yeah right” that’s a sign that the affirmation isn’t going to work for you. So what would work instead?
Craft your affirmations as the opposite of the limiting belief that’s stopping you.
Limiting belief: “I’m too busy. I don’t have enough time.”
Affirmation: “Time is expansive and I have all the time that I need.”
Limiting belief: “I know I’m bothering them”
Affirmation: “My friends look forward to hearing from me.”
Limiting belief: “Everyone else is smarter than me.”
Affirmation: “My words matter.”
2. Give yourself permission for rest, reset, and me-time.
One of the quickest ways to erode trust in yourself is to put yourself last on your priority list. It may feel counterintuitive and go against all of your ingrained habits AND it’s important to honor your body’s needs to reset and recharge your energy.
Give yourself permission to walk around the block, take a 20 minute nap, or read a book just for fun. You’ll feel so much better when you do (and everything on your to-do list will feel 10 times easier too!)
3. Set boundaries with yourself (and stick to them)
You matter, your needs matter, and if you push yourself to the side you’ll erode all the good work you’ve done with your affirmations and the time to rest and recharge.
It’s easy to jump up from whatever you’re doing because your kid wants a snack AND it’s ok too to tell them that you need 15 more minutes. Ask them to come back and ask you in 15 minutes, if they’re younger, show or tell them what the clock will say when it’s time to ask you again.
You’re not only honoring your own time and needs, you’re teaching your kids that their needs are important too even when they’re adults. Model the behavior you want them to have one day, that’s what will stick with them as they get older.
Build trust in yourself by crafting affirmations that are the opposite of the negative thoughts in your head, listening to your body and rest when it calls, and setting boundaries with yourself to honor your time.
Journaling exercise:
What are the limiting beliefs on repeat in your head? Take 2 minutes to brainstorm them.
Pick 3 of your limiting beliefs and write the opposite. What would feel better to believe instead?
P.S. If you missed Part 1: Are my Friends Energy Drains or Energy Gains, catch up here.
If you missed Part 2: How to Bravely Invite People to Hang Out, catch up here
I want something different for next year. I’m not one for setting resolutions, I gave up on them years ago, I don’t really see the point of trying to make a change that won’t stick.