Part 6: How to Find Your People | Your Favorite Bunch of Weirdos
How to Make (and Maintain) Friendships as Adults, a Six-Part Series
Community is a human need. We need our village to support us, but what do you do when you don’t feel supported or you struggle to find the people that really get you?
You end up wearing a mask, blending in, or saying things just because you think that’s what the other person wants to hear.
Over time you lose sight of yourself, you feel more frustrated, and like you can’t seem to do anything “right”. It’s one of the worst feelings. When I’m in that headspace I feel lost, misunderstood, and that I gotta keep the crazy in check.
Back in 8th or 9th grade I had these amazing leggings with the wildest loudest pattern in bright pink, orange, and blue. I freakin loved those leggings, except, I hardly ever wore them, because they were NOT in style and I felt like an outcast each time I put them on. It felt like a tug of war within myself. I wanted to be this bright, shiny, butterfly and I didn't want to call attention to my otherness. So I’d wear clothes to fit in, to be “normal” and then scream at myself on the inside.
I didn’t feel like I fully belonged. I had a few close friends that fully got me, but we didn’t all go to the same high school.
It got better in college and even now, I catch myself with this overwhelming urge that I need to blend in, that that’s the only way to be accepted.
The logical side of me knows that’s crap, blending in is the last thing I want to do. Instead I want to connect with my tribe, my people.
Who are my people? They’re folks that are labeled as strange, weird, neurodivergent, and different. You’ll find them wearing crazy socks or fun clothes, they might be wandering through the woods or nose deep in a good book. They compliment me on my wild-printed yoga pants, they tell me their deep thoughts when we’ve barely said hello, and they feel like kindred spirits everytime we’re in the same space (both real and virtual).
It’s important to know who you people are, to know the signs of when you’ve found a human that you feel connected to.
Who are the people that you’re drawn to?
Think about your close friends, co-workers, and random strangers that you enjoy spending time with. What do they have in common? Do they all love to play backgammon while sipping tea on their back deck? Would you find them swimming laps in a pool at 5am? Do they all share a favorite color or two?
Even if the humans in your life seem radically different, the ones that you are closest to have stuff in common.
When I took a closer look at the people I most love hanging out with I found that a large percentage of them have a connection to ADHD, either they have it, their partner has it, or their kid has it. AND that most of them have been told at some point that they're too much, too weird, or downright strange.
Last December, I had a table at the Berkeley Chamber Holiday Gift Fair. I met a woman there that I felt a pull to connect with and I said to her how much I resonated with her energy. Her face lit up and then she asked me in a surprised tone, “What? Really?! Me?” because so many humans had told her time and time again that she was too much, and that’s how she’s been walking through life, trying to hone in her energy, when really she’s this bright beacon that has the ability to light up a room, bring joy to the chaos, and who knows what else is possible. She’s holding herself back with all her might, what would be possible if she let herself be free as her full Self?
When you have people in your life that cheer for you, encourage your weird, and brighten your day even when everything goes sideways, life feels more livable. You feel confident in your own skin in new and unexpected spaces.
Who encourages your weird?
If you’re looking for a badass group of humans that embrace their weird on a weekly basis, I’ve got just the thing for you, CommuniTea: The Journaling Group. We journal, we connect, we laugh, we cry, we support each other, we work through our sh*t, and feel oh so grounded in the process. We’d love to have you embrace your weirdness with us. Check out CommuniTea here.
I want something different for next year. I’m not one for setting resolutions, I gave up on them years ago, I don’t really see the point of trying to make a change that won’t stick.