How to Stop Saying I Don’t Know

When you’re clear on who you are it’s easier to make decisions, overwhelm is less likely to take you by surprise, and the connections you make with other humans feel genuine and supportive. Zero shame right now if you feel fuzzy on who you are, especially if you’re a woman. We’ve been conditioned to put ourselves second or third. 

That means that when someone asks “what do you want?” or “what really matters to you?” your first thoughts are of those you care about: your partner, your fur babies, and your kids, because those are the people you take care of. You put their needs first (aka above your own). 

So when someone asks you for what you want, your default is to consider what everyone else wants first, instead of starting with what you want. Which means you might not know what you want, because everything you do is framed around supporting the people and pets around you and meeting their needs. 

So if you’re default response to the question, “what do you want?” is “I don’t know, what do you want?” you’re not alone. That used to be my default. It was too scary to consider what I wanted because I thought I was being selfish, taking up too much space, or bugging people if I expressed my needs, wants, and desires. It took a looooooooooong time to reframe my inner beliefs and to trust myself enough to say out loud what I really wanted. 

So if you’re feeling stuck in the I don’t know cycle because you feel like you have to take care of everyone else first, how do you undo that belief and start making yourself a priority? 

First, get curious. 

Why do you put others' needs before yours? It might be how you were raised or that’s what was modeled in your childhood home. It might be that you were taught in school that speaking up got you in trouble, especially if you were chit-chatting with your friends. It might be that society and the patriarchy taught you that as a woman you have to do all the things and not complain or ask for anything. It might be a combination of all of those things or something else entirely. What might it be for you? 

For me it’s a combination: seeing my mom model stereotypical 1950s housewife mentalities of always have dinner on the table when my dad got home from work (even though this wasn’t something he ever requested), being made fun of at school for asking “stupid questions” caused me to keep all my thoughts instead of my head, and society at large showing me that women have to work 10x harder than a man to make it in the world. 

All of those situations shaped my beliefs that I shouldn’t trust myself because I don’t know enough, I need to put my child and partners needs first because they are more important than me, and I have to push myself to the verge of exhaustion-breakdown to prove that I can hack it in the modern world. 

Those are not healthy beliefs, they undermine my intelligence, cause me to doubt, and to think that I’m bugging or seriously inconveniencing someone if I ask for help. 

That’s not cool. 

So what did I do to change these beliefs? Truthfully I’m still working on it, and I’m making great strides. 

Here’s what’s helped me the most: 

• Writing daily affirmations that are the opposite of my limiting beliefs

• Blocking off non-negotiable time on my calendar for taking yoga

• Journaling when my negative thoughts feel out of control

• Lying down in the middle of the day when everything felt too hard

• Finding friends that get me and feeling energized after talking to them

Journaling prompt: What’s blocking you from saying what you want?
​

When you get clear on what’s blocking you, it makes it easier to move past your blocks. Ask yourself why is that blocking you and keep asking yourself why like an annoying toddler until you get to the root, the epiphany, the “ooooh that’s why!” Knowledge is power. Once you understand where your blocks are coming from you can see the cracks in them and start to dismantle them. Journaling can help. 

When you write your words on the page you can be an observer of your thoughts and emotions instead of feeling overwhelmed by them. Use the Thoughtful Journaling Method to make your journaling easier. You’ve got this!

---