Shoulds and Assumptions are Besties
You say “I should” to yourself when you think you haven't met someone else's standard for you. That's because shoulds are based on assumptions and assumptions are a very slippery slope.
In order to banish your shoulds you have to unpack your assumptions first.
What is an assumption?
It's a thought that you believe to be true about someone else.
I assumed I needed a full Master's thesis amount of research before I could tell my husband something new.
Why did I think that?
Because every time I told him about an interesting article that I read or a new factoid I'd heard he'd come back at me with 20 questions, and I never knew the answer to any of them.
Instead of just saying I don't know, I got flustered and felt like a fool for not anticipating every question and doubt that he poked in my statement. I assumed I needed to be better researched.
That turned into a should.
I should only tell my husband ideas or thoughts if I can back them up with cross-checked facts and research.
What was the result of that?
I stopped telling him about the things I was excited about because I didn't want him to bust my my bubble of excitement. He felt cut off and out of the loop. This is the pattern that we had for years!!
It wasn't until we did couples therapy that I learned his 20 Questions come from a place of curiosity. He was craving connection by asking questions!
He wanted to know more. He didn't expect me to know everything about it, he just wanted to know everything that I did.
He wanted to share in my excitement but his way of asking questions shut me down and shut him out.
We both made assumptions that cut us off from each other!
Once we dropped those assumptions our relationship became more connected and deeper. I felt comfortable sharing fun things with him. Now, I tell him to do the research if he wants to know more and he understands if he peppers me with questions, that I’ll get overwhelmed and shut down. He’s more mindful about his questions now.
Journaling prompt: What assumptions are you making about your partner?
I want something different for next year. I’m not one for setting resolutions, I gave up on them years ago, I don’t really see the point of trying to make a change that won’t stick.