What Does a Healthy Boundary Feel Like?

Psst, if you missed Wednesday’s post, Coping Mechanisms: Besties or Fenemies?, give it a quick read first. It’s like a three-layer cake, you don’t just slap the dry cake layers together, you need some buttercream to help them to stick, give them some moisture, and make them taste delicious. Wednesday’s post was the buttercream and today’s is the cake. You’ll still get a lot out of today’s post, it just might feel like something is missing if you don’t read Wednesday’s first. So make sure you’ve got your buttercream to go with your cake. 

Got your buttercream? Great! Let’s dive in! 

Before I had healthy boundaries I was either a total pushover or rigid as a drill sergeant, there was nothing in between. 

The drill sergeant popped in when one of my base needs was threatened, like me needing to eat lunch at a precise moment, getting my morning shower in, or having a quiet distraction-free place to sleep. 

Pushover me showed up everywhere else. I had this deep ingrained belief that everyone (and I mean everyone) knew better than me. So if someone said something that I knew was untrue I assumed they’d read something that I hadn’t and I wouldn’t question them. I would of course think about it on loop for the next week and a half and kick myself for not saying anything when alllllll of my google searches proved that I was right and they were wrong. 

Neither was healthy. 

My drill sergeant side would lose all connection to logic or reason, there was no other solution than the thing I needed at that exact moment. 

My pushover side missed real connections with other humans, because I would just smile and nod along. I wouldn’t add anything to the conversation and I’d just agree with whatever anyone talked about or say nothing at all. 

Both felt lonely and isolating. 

I knew that neither way was working, but I didn’t know any other way to deal, so I kept slogging along feeling all by myself. 

The first thing I had to do was figure out what really mattered to me. I’d spent my whole life agreeing with everyone else and my opinions didn’t really feel like my own. The only time they came out was when I was so upset that I felt pushed over an emotional cliff and would word-vomit on the first safe feeling human (usually my husband) and he didn’t ask for all of that. 

Once I knew what was important to me, then I had to get brave about voicing my thoughts instead of keeping them all to myself. That was suuuuuuuuper scary in the beginning and I still trip up over it now. There are times when the voice in my head asks me, “should you really be telling them this, I mean it sounds like you’re bragging and putting yourself front in center, are you sure you want to do that?” 

The truth is that I was terrified of being a total spotlight grabbing self center a-hole…

but that’s not my base personality, so the risk of me turning into one is microscopic AND the people that care about me, genuinely want to know things about me. Plus, if I just stand around waiting for someone to ask me a question (and holding all of my words in until they do), instead of me telling them something I want to share, I risk word-vomiting on them too. 

Let’s all make a pinky promise to be aware of our word-vomits and ask permission first. 

The more I opened up and shared with the people I trusted the easier it was to be in balanced conversations, where everyone gets a chance to speak. The more I did that, the easier it got to tell strangers stuff about myself and insert myself into the conversation instead of just being a quiet bystander. 

When thinking about boundaries, I like to bring it back to your base, what’s most important to you? I mean this both in the tangible and the practical. Are you passionate about saving whales? Do you think dolphins are total jerks? (marine biologists do!! Look it up if you don’t believe me) Do you need your morning coffee or tea to function or are you good to run out of your house in mostly clean clothes and you’ll find food later? 

What are the most important things to you? That if they don’t happen in your day or week, you feel like crap. 

Who are the humans in your life that you can’t live without? They are your world/rock/whatever you want to call them. 

Take a moment and get crystal clear on the things you need to feel balanced, safe, and cared-for. Those are things to focus on first when creating healthy boundaries. 

Journaling Prompt: What are the things you need to feel balanced, safe, and cared-for? 

Stay tuned, next week we’ll add sprinkles to the top of our cake, to make it irresistible. 

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