Coping Mechanisms: Besties or Frenemies?
There are times when my brain just says, nuh-uh, meaning it’s not onboard with what I want to do. Those are the moments that depression creeps in and self-doubt hops in the driver's seat.
It’s no fun.
That nuh-uh is a fear based response because our brains crave consistency. They want us to keep doing what we’re doing because it feels normal, predictable, and we’ve already got solid coping mechanisms in place. Why would you want to change anything?
Just because your coping mechanisms feel predictable and normal doesn’t mean that they’re a good thing.
Coping mechanisms mask unprocessed feelings, frustrations, and resentments.
I’m not totally throwing coping mechanisms under the bus, there are solid times when they are the best thing for you. Like when you’re in the middle of childbirth and you just found out you need a life saving c-section, you’re gonna freak out in the moment and your coping mechanisms are there to get you through.
It’s when you need your coping mechanisms to get through your ENTIRE day that you’ve got a problem.
Luckily it' s a problem that’s solvable.
If you’re in a constant coping mechanism state it’s a sign that you don’t have solid boundaries in place, you’re not expressing your needs, or asking for what you want. You're masking the parts of you that you think are unlovable, wrong, or not worth it to acknowledge. It feels better to just shove those things under the rug and keep doing what you’re doing because you don’t want to rock the boat or upset anyone.
Before we go any further, I want to know that I am wrapping you up in a warm fuzzy blanket and bringing you your favorite warm beverage to soothe you because there is no shame in what you’re feeling right now.
This is going to feel uncomfortable and that’s a good thing.
When you feel uncomfortable, frustrated, or resentful, those are the spotlights telling you this thing, this situation, needs to change.
It’s the how part where we tend to get stuck and feel overwhelmed, then we lean into our coping mechanisms so we can trudge through and we don’t change anything. So how do we make these difficult changes, so we stop relying on our coping mechanisms 24/7 and instead, only use them in the moments where we need them.
It starts with setting boundaries.
Boundaries are about what you will do, not what someone else will or won’t do.
Follow these 3 simple steps, to figure out where you most need new boundaries. Grab a pen and a piece of paper and let’s dive in.
Think about a moment where you felt uncomfortable, frustrated, or resentful.
What was it about the situation that bothered you? Take a moment to journal about it, write down your thoughts as they pop to mind. Ignore grammar/spelling, just get your words down on the page, so you can process and understand what’s really happening in that situation for you.
What would be your best case scenario? Imagine if this same situation went in a way that felt good to you. Write that down as if it happened that way. Rewrite the script.
Notice how you feel after re-writing your experience so that it feels good and supportive to you. Do you feel more grounded? calm? organized? cared-for?
Give yourself a pat on the back, a quick reward, for taking the first step in establishing new boundaries.
➡️ On Friday, I’ll share part two of the process of creating new boundaries.
If you’ve got questions on boundaries, put them in the comments. I want to answer all your burning boundary questions and help you set boundaries with ease, so that your coping mechanisms are just a tiny part of your day.
I resisted posting this because I didn’t wanna upset anyone or think badly of me. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had to post this because of all those reasons.