How to Move Through Fear

As a child what were you told you needed to do to be successful? Were you told (or shown) things like: work hard, follow directions, not make waves, get a good job that pays well with benefits, find a partner with a good job, go to school? I bet if you were to list them out it would look more like a to do list rather than dreams to aspire to.

What if you could go back and rewire your brain to define success in a different way? What might change for you then? As a child you had dreams, things you loved to do that you don’t do now, they might have been things that were a bit outside of the box, things that were not always labeled as “normal”. Your parents and adults in your life, wanted to protect you and to save you from pain, they told you to shut your dreams down, that you needed to give those things up because they would not lead to success. 

They feared that if you followed your dreams you’d end up on the path to pain, suffering,and heartache. They wanted to protect you from that so they told you to hide your true self because they believed your true self could not be successful.

How is this idea of success that you learned from your parents showing up in your life now? It's likely you've checked every box they gave you and on paper you appear successful. But what about in your heart, does your heart feel successful?

Hang in with me here, this may feel painful, you might not want to experience the thoughts that are popping up right now. It’s totally normal to feel that way, so let’s look at this from another angle, to give your logical brain something to chew on. 

“It's hard to become what you don't see.” - Marie Forleo

All of your subconscious beliefs are set by the time you are 7 years old. That was a long time ago. You can rewrite and change your subconscious beliefs but it means facing an emotion that stops nearly every human from doing the things they really want to do. Do you know what that emotion is? 

It's fear. 

Fear is the biggest emotion that blocks you from doing the things you want to do. Fear is the thing that gives you excuses. It’s the thing that stops you from going to fun parties, traveling to far off places, or looking for a new job. 

Fear is the thing that stops you every time you begin to dream outside of your comfortable box.

What if you don’t want to live in fear’s shadow anymore? Fear isn't going to go away completely, it's part of you. There are ways to train your brain to notice when fear is creeping in and instead of bending to its will you get to have a conversation with it. Wouldn’t that feel better to have a conversation rather that a spontaneous reaction?

Fear used to completely debilitate me, think of a deer frozen in headlights, that used to be me ALL THE TIME. I couldn’t make a decision to save my life, I was dependent on my partner to help me through those frozen moments. Like when we were in a foreign country and I was so freaked out I couldn’t even decide on what to order for dinner. My partner had to order for me. (Please note, we were not in any danger, I was overwhelmed, over-stimulated, and my fight or flight took charge of my thoughts).

Fear stopped me so many times and it still does, but not in the same way. Now fear is something I get to work through instead of fight against. I've done the work so that fear feels more like a nuisance rather than a full-on wall blocking my path.

So what's helped me move through my fear? 

It’s taken time, I’m not going to lie and give you false hope that you can snap your fingers and fear is instantly gone. Fear is still part of my life.

What’s changed is my perception of fear.

The first step is acknowledging that you no longer want to be at fear’s mercy. I reached a point where I was just fed up with being too afraid to leave my house or try new things. I recognized that the fear in my brain was from the reptilian part, the ancient part of my brain designed to protect me from mortal peril. Back when we lived in caves, moving to a new cave could mean sharing it with a saber-toothed tiger, which would mean a much shorter life. So that part of our brain programmed in that all change is dangerous and used fear to keep us in our safe routines.

The thing that's helped me the most in moving through my fear is acceptance. 

It might sound simple, in some ways it is. I accept that fear exists in my life. I accept that fear is there to protect me. I accept that I have the choice of whether I listen to fear and follow her directions or I acknowledge fear and then do my own damn thing. Honestly that's the secret to moving through my fear. I acknowledge it’s still there and I know I have a choice every time fear pops up. I get to choose whether I abide by fear’s rules or do something new. I always have that choice and you do too.

Notice your fear.

When you ignore fear it gets louder and louder and louder until you can no longer function. That's when fear is dangerous when it stops you from doing normal daily life tasks. I've been through that more times than I can count and I'm here to tell you that I have moved through it and that it is possible for you to move through your fear too. 

Once you believe that it’s possible to move through your fear, it’s like opening a door. Your choices feel less scary and it feels less important to choose the “right” thing, instead you’re happy that you made a choice because you know if you chose the “wrong” thing, you get another opportunity to choose again. 

Journaling prompt: What’s your relationship with fear? 

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