Boundaries Are Like Sprinkles

Today we’re putting the sprinkles on our cake! 

(if you missed the cake and buttercream emails, catch up here for buttercream: coping mechanisms, besties or frenemeis ​ and here for cake: what does a healthy boundary feel like?​)
​

Imagine a beautiful three layer cake. The cake is a decadent lemon genoise sponge and the butter cream has the essence of lavender, so it’s light purple and tastes delicious! You’ve put butter cream between each layer so your cake is solidly built and you’ve covered the outside with buttercream to give it a bit more moisture and flavor. 

So what’s left to add? Sprinkles!

Think of your sprinkles as your boundaries, you don’t want them so tightly packed that you can’t see your cake between them, but you don’t want them so sparse that you can’t even see them at all. You want an even and aesthetically pleasing amount of sprinkles on top to represent your healthy boundaries. 

When you have too many sprinkles (aka rigid-drill sergeant boundaries) you feel frustrated, angry, in fight or flight all the time, and like no one gets what you need. 

When you have too few sprinkles (aka pushover boundaries) you feel resentful, super tired, overstimulated, and you keep wishing someone would swoop in, read your mind, and give you exactly what you need. 

When you have the just right amount of sprinkles (aka healthy boundaries) you feel safe, grounded, understood, and taken care of. 

When you don't have healthy boundaries you don’t feel good. 

Life feels extra challenging and knowing what’s right for you can feel elusive like trying to make a perfect cake to win bake off. 

I lived most of my life bouncing between too many sprinkles and not enough. I’d turn over my power to everyone I deemed worthy. I wouldn’t speak up, I’d just go along with what everyone else was doing, until I got so over stimulated that I couldn’t take it, that’s when the drill sergeant would pop in and I’d put up a solid wall of defences so no one could get in. But that meant no one could connect with me. 

Finding your right amount of sprinkles takes time, experimentation, and patience. 

The best place to start is looking at the things and the people that are most important to you. 

What are the activities in your life that give you energy? You could do them all day. 

Who are the people in your life that give you energy? Even if you’re exhausted, just sitting next to them makes you feel better. 

On the flip side, what are the activities that zap your energy? Think, you’ve barely started and you already want to take a nap. 

Who are the people that drain you? Maybe they talk your ear off or maybe the way they communicate just rubs you the wrong way. It takes effort and energy on your part to be around them. 

In a perfect world, your energy would be balanced. You’d get to do the activities and see them people that energize you to counterbalance all the stuff that sucks the life out of you. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen automatically. That’s why you need boundaries. 

Boundaries protect your energy from the activities and people that try to drain your life force. 

In the past year, I’ve been much more careful about who I spend time with. There are some friendships that felt really one-sided, so I’ve let those go. I appreciate one-on-one time with my closest friends AND I’ve found the right small groups that light up my soul too. 

I consider myself an extroverted-introvert. I value my alone time (and need it to recharge) and I need time with the humans that get me, light me up, and energize me even on my most depleted days. 

Ten years ago, time on my yoga mat was the only thing that gave me solace, because I didn’t know how to create healthy boundaries, let alone where I needed them. 

Healthy boundaries for me, look like:

Having a sign on my home office curtain (I sadly don’t have a door) that has three circles and descriptors to tell my family if they’re welcome to disturb me or not.

Before I put that up, my husband would routinely come in to tell me something, and I’d be in the middle of writing one of these emails. I’d completely lose my train of thought and then I’d be mad at him for the rest of the night. 

I explained to him that I don’t want to be disturbed when I’m writing and in mid-thought. It also was important to communicate when I’m on a call with a client, so I’m not disturbed then either. 

Putting that up made a HUGE difference. I don’t have to worry about being interrupted when I’m in the middle of something. 

In creating healthy boundaries, it can feel like it’s about telling the other person what to do, when in reality it’s about what YOU will do. 

For my home office, I would ignore my husband when he came down and I was in the middle of something. That was my default, or feeling like I needed to give him my full attention when he popped in even though I didn’t want to. My boundary was being clear on where my focus is. And that I’m not going to focus, or listen, or hear anything he has to say when I’m focused on my work. 

Healthy boundaries look like: 

Telling your bestie that you don’t want to come over for venting sessions anymore and that you’ll leave early if all she wants to do is word-vomit and doesn’t want to get excited with you for your new job, because hers totally sucks. 

Blocking off time in your work calendar to meditate and journal.You’ve been meaning to do it for so long, but haven’t been consistent. If you block the time off you know your boss is much less likely to text or email you then. Then you can prove to yourself that your needs matter by honoring this time commitment that you’ve set just for you. Plus getting that in is going to help you stay focused throughout the day. 

Telling your roommate how important it is to make your morning tea and when she leaves the tea kettle empty (and still on!) that it starts your day off on the wrong foot. And that if it continues, you’ll keep the tea kettle in your room (because it is yours after all). This one may sound really petty to you and that’s part of why I wanted to include it. 

If something is causing you resentment or frustration that’s the sign of a lack of a boundary. 

So if your roommate isn’t being kind or courteous with the tea kettle, it’s genuinely bothering you every day, you’ve clearly communicated that it’s bothering you (that means saying words out of your face to your roommate, not stewing on it in angry grumbly silence), then offering the change of moving the tea kettle into your room isn’t petty. It’s setting your day up for success. It’s honoring your needs, your routines, and things that bring you energy. 

Journaling Prompt: Where do you need a healthy boundary?

---